Chance
by LlewellynPrince
Summary: Rodney remembers and realizes. SLASH


Chance

* * *

He wonders if John would ever notice if he was gone, the way she did.

Eyes wide slightly panicked because she'd been preoccupied when he'd told her he was going.

Wonders if he'd even care the way she did.

Hard, harsh, and passionate.

She always worried, when ever she wasn't thinking or sleeping (that never ceased to confuse and amaze him), she always cared no matter what she was doing.

In many ways Major Sheppard reminds him of her, the beauty, the ease of being in charge and looked up to, but there's a fundamental difference between the two.

She understood people from a human view, but not a scientific or military one, couldn't understand the reasons or being emotionless or unattached. She could understand the emotions that made her willing to sacrifice her life for other people without a second thought. She was never hurt when he snapped at her, partly because she knew he didn't mean it, but also because she didn't care about other people's opinion of her, neither does he, but John does. He acts like he doesn't, but he can see through it. He remembered finding John standing out on the balcony in the rain, the way she used to.

He's pretty sure Sheppard would or does like walks in the rain because she always did.

He remembers when Sheppard left on that damn suicide mission and all he said was 'see you later Rodney' and then he came back and acted like nothing had happened.

She was like that too; she just put the bad memories behind her. There was a time he wished he could have joined her, a time when he had seriously considered it, but her words always came back.

_Live your life for yourself Rodney, and live your life for those you love, live for those who have died. _

Goddammit, she was always so philosophical.

Atlantis, Night, Dr. Rodney McKay Quarters

Rodney lay awake, staring up at the ceiling; a framed picture held tightly against his chest.

He sighed, he never slept on this night, he'd never been able to, even before she died. He lifted up the picture and looked at it. Her black hair was blowing every which way and her ice blue eyes were crinkled in laughter, she was laughing, John was always laughing, it had always been so rare to see her laugh. Her pale skin stood out against the black silk button up shirt she wore, with jeans like always, her cross, dog tags, and charms hung on a chain around her neck, along with her promise ring. He wore the necklace now, his promise ring still on his hand. He was standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her, their fingers laced, like the Beyond Borders movie poster. He was smiling.

He remembered that day. He remembered when he told Samantha about her. She'd understood, so far she was the only one.

He looked at the clock, five a.m. everyone would be wakening up right about know. He sighed and swung his feet over the side of the bed, tucking the picture carefully under his arm; he grabbed his coffee and set off for his lab.

* * *

_**2:30 p.m.**_

* * *

Rodney didn't even look up as Major Sheppard, Elizabeth, Lt. Ford, Sergeant Bates, Carson, Radek, and Teyla walked into his lab. Two off his lab assistants had just run out crying, he'd given Miko the day off, since she was the only one he really liked, because he new it was going to turn out this way, the rest he'd ordered out less then five minutes ago, calling them incompetent idiots.

He was always in a bad mood on this day.

"Rodney?" Elizabeth spoke and he didn't look up. "Is everything okay?"

He didn't answer, concentrating on his work.

"Hey, McKay!" Sheppard walked over and stood next to him.

"Can I help you major, or are you just here to annoy me?"

"What the hell is our problem McKay?" Sheppard looked disgusted.

"My problem is that you can't seem to leave me alone."

"Yeah, it seems I'm the only one with that problem." Sheppard snapped, the others stood back and watched.

"You have a lot of problems major," Rodney said.

Elizabeth's eyes widen, Ford gapped, Teyla looked surprised, Radek grimaced, Beckett muttered something under his breath, and Bates raised an eyebrow.

"Rodney!" Elizabeth admonished.

"What the hell is your problem McKay?" Sheppard grabbed his paper away and McKay slammed him into a wall. "You're worse then usual."

"Fuck off!" He grabbed the paper back, while Elizabeth held Ford and Bates back.

"What are you gonna do, hit me McKay?" Sheppard smirked. McKay let go of him and returned to his desk, he looked him fully in the face for the first and he heard the other's gasp. He knew why, his eyes were blood shot and red from crying.

"I wouldn't waste my time on you major," his voice was cool and Sheppard physically flinched, he turned back to this work ignoring the look of pain on Sheppard's face as the major turned on his heel and promptly left.

"Rodney?" Elizabeth didn't sound happy but stopped talking when he looked up.

"Unless any of you have something helpful, which I know you don't, I have more important things to do."

They left and he glanced at the picture next to his laptop.

* * *

_**5:40 p.m.**_

* * *

"Halling brought it to us, said its supposed to show a person's fondest memory, but so far we haven't been able to activate it," Elizabeth filled him in as Rodney turned the device over in his hands. It looked like a telescope, he looked through the smaller end and a light burst out the other, he pulled it away quickly, but the light continued and an image formed.

"What the heck did you do McKay?" Sheppard asked, so far he hadn't met his eyes since that afternoon.

For some reason that bugged Rodney.

"Nothing!"

The picture showed tall grass over long plains. The savannah he realized with a jolt, Africa…then this was…a woman with long black hair, pale white skin, and ice blue eyes appeared. He heard several whistles and cat calls.

"Damn, McKay does she have a sister?" someone asked.

Rodney ignored him.

"Who is she? Some chick you saw on earth?" Someone else asked.

_Rodney entered the picture and she turned and smiled at him._

Rodney pale as he realized what was replaying. They kissed and he heard another catcall.

"Hold on McKay, you actually know her?" someone asked.

_She grinned as Rodney kissed the ring on her finger. _

"Holy fuck you were married!" That one was Ford.

"Engaged," he answered without thinking. Suddenly the lights started blinking and alarms started going off.

"What's going on?" Elizabeth asked Grodin over the comm.

"It's the device! Its draining the energy out of Atlantis, we're going to loose life support!" He responded. "It's going to over load, at this rate it'll take out half of Atlantis!"

"Dial the gate," Sheppard ordered automatically.

"Everyone out of the Gateroom," Elizabeth ordered. The event horizon appeared and Rodney looked at the device and the image for a long moment as John moved towards the device.

"Rodney?" Elizabeth's voice sounded far away. He looked up at the gate. This device could allow him to re-live everything…

He hadn't realized exactly how much he missed her until he'd seen her again.

…after so long…

"Rodney!" John this time, he turned, John was running towards him, red and blue highlights caused by the blinking lights in his unruly hair. He frowned, the image burned into his mind as he turned back to the Stargate.

"Rodney!"

She was right he realized.

"Rodney!"

He could here them screaming his name but he walked forward without a second thought a disappeared into the event horizon.

"RODNEY!"

* * *

_**11:55 p.m.**_

* * *

Rodney groaned and blinked his eyes open. Blinding white lights were the first things he saw, followed by Ford's head, then Teyla's, Bates and Radek appeared, then Carson who took his pulse, Elizabeth, and then finally John.

"What happened?"

"You went through the Stargate into space."

"How the hell did I survive!" Rodney snapped. Screw pain this was a scientific miracle and much more important!

"We think the device exploded right as you came out and sent you back through the gate, you came flying out like a base ball and hit the wall. Atlantis's systems went back online as soon as you were gone." Elizabeth explained.

"It's nice to have you-"

"Where's my necklace?" Rodney interrupted Carson, sitting up and looking around panicking.

"Whoa, calm down McKay, its right here!" John pulled it out of his pocket and handed it too him. He let out a sigh of relief and fell back onto the bed causing Carson to check his pulse again.

"Rodney…" he knew what Elizabeth was going to ask, "Who was she?" he was quiet for a long time, his eyes drifting shut.

"Chance."

* * *

_**3:04 a.m.**_

* * *

Rodney blinked feeling a warm hand in his. He looked over and saw a tuff of unruly black hair resting near his arm and realized it was Sheppard. He disengaged his hand and shook the major, slightly unnerved to find him a sleep at his bedside. Sheppard groaned and lifted his head, blinking groggily. He jumped up when he realized Rodney was awake.

"Rodney! Are you alright? Do you need me to get Carson?-"

"What are you doing here?" Rodney asked interrupting. Sheppard froze and let go of the hand he'd grabbed when he realized he was awake, he back away a little and Rodney could see the hurt in his eyes.

"I, uh, I was waiting for you to wake up…" he trailed off, unable to meet Rodney's eyes. Rodney stared at him as it dawn on him. All the fights, the downtime they spent together, the teasing. It had been because John liked him, he hadn't seen it because he'd been dwelling on Chance.

Figured. Why did this always happen to him?

"John."

He looked up his eyes wide.

"Yes?"

Rodney motioned him closer and he came reluctantly. Rodney reached up and pulled him down closer.

"You should have just told me."

John paused and swallowed, mind catching up to Rodney's. "I couldn't, I saw that picture on your desk a few weeks ago…I thought she was still alive…. he admitted, trailling off, blinking away tears. Rodney smiled.

"It's fine." And kissed him.

* * *

…Darfod... 


End file.
